


Meet Me As Your Lover

by australia_mate



Category: Harry Styles - Fandom
Genre: 1d, Gay, Getting Back Together, Happy Ending, I actually wrote the song in this lol, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Male character centric, One Shot, Past Relationship(s), Regret, Social Issues, Songfic, Songwriting, Sorry Not Sorry, Texting, a lot of reminiscing, angst but a lot of fluff, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-04
Updated: 2020-10-04
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:47:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,966
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26793850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/australia_mate/pseuds/australia_mate
Summary: James and Harry had it all, they were in the perfect relationship kept tightly under wraps from the public and were in love. But that got ripped away from them as 1 Direction boomed, and the two were left heartbroken and lost.5 years later, James gets drunk and releases a song he probably shouldn't of. But it turns out, it was all for the better in getting the attention of a certain old-love celebrity.
Relationships: Harry Styles/Original Male Character(s)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 5





	Meet Me As Your Lover

( _Set in 2020 without corona smh_ )  
**Meet Me As My Lover**

(Intro)  
_The air begins to feel a little fake,  
As I sit in my car, unbelieving  
He said I'm golden, said I'm lovely,  
Though if the memories mean anything anymore  
I'm not sure_

(Verse)  
_He's learnt his lesson  
It's never happened again and that's fine  
I just had to get out of there  
I'm sorry, I had to and the engine had no GPS_

(Pre-Chorus)  
_I'd never felt something like it,  
It's was like I was falling  
But he falls all the time  
So does he remember seeing me fall?_

(Chorus)  
_So say that I'm lovely, say that I'm golden  
And I may not fear the fall  
To take that leap into your arms  
I won't fall, not this time_

_Say that I'm lovely, say that I'm golden  
And I may not fear the fall  
To take that leap into your arms  
I won't be scared, not this time_

_I'll be the first one to break, I'll say what I want_

(Bridge)  
_But I kneel back down,  
Wiping my eyes from the rain,  
From the grandeur  
Realising from them  
That he's on the stage, far away  
Am I out of signs, out of time?_

(Pre-Chorus)  
_They won't stop me, not again  
It isn't a lost cause, right?  
Or have I gone insane  
Maybe he'll hear me  
Maybe he'll remember me_

(Chorus)  
_So say that I'm lovely, say that I'm golden  
And I may not fear the fall  
To take that leap into your arms  
They won't scare me, not this time_

_I hope they don't scare him_

(Verse)  
_I won't be scared like the first time  
Hopefully, he'll remember me as his sunflower  
I still remember him as my-_

(Chorus)  
_So say that I'm lovely, say that I'm golden  
And I may not fear the fall  
To take that leap into your arms  
But will he remember me this time?_

_Say that I'm lovely, say that I'm golden  
And I may not fear the fall  
To take that leap into your arms  
But will he take me back?_

_I'll be the first one to break, I'll say what I want  
I'll be the first one to break, I'll say what I want  
I'll be the first one to break, I'll say what I want_

_Will he say what he wants?_

\---

It was nerve-racking for James to release that song. He was an accomplished singer, he had a large following and a steady career; but this, this was the first time in a long time had a song ever felt so scary to release in his 10 years of singing.

It felt like he had chopped a bit of his heart and sent it off to a place he didn't know. What would happen to it? Would it become cared for and loved? Or would it be trampled and hated? 

Also, it was just as nerve-wracking how the song was obviously pointing to a _male_ lover. Yeah, he hadn't even come out yet. He feared that this wasn't the best way in coming out, but how else would he do it? Go on an interview and let them twist up his words? Start a stream and say something he doesn't mean to say?

No, song-writing was his home and his escape, the place where he felt he could truly be himself. If he wasn't able to release a song like this after being around for so long, than what was he even doing with his life? It was the best choice out of all his bad options, and so all he could do now was wait for the public's reaction. 

And so _what_ , he was gay. C'mon, it was the 21st century, it shouldn't matter anymore. He'd been gay for a long time, the media just never knew; he was entitled to that privacy. It shouldn't be such a big commotion.

But when he rationalised that part, he realised, yes it will become a big commotion and because of that, this song would reach the man he spoke about. He wrote the song at 3 am and recorded it slightly tipsy; he was going through a rough patch and he never meant to release something like this. Maybe a different song in coming out, but not like this.

James had dated a man. A brilliant man, for 4 amazing years.

And it'd been 5 years since he even last spoke to him, and even when he encountered him 1 year after what had happened, it was still so awkward. Awkward, very, and only deepened the longing in his chest and made his working to moving forward feel like it'd been obliterated.

The only reason they broke up was because of the media. Why would they break up because of social media you would ask? Because he had to date none other than Harry Styles. It was self-explanatory.

The two met when they were both 16, both so early into their music careers. James had more of a following and that was how Harry knew him, he was actually a fan of his music. It was also right before 1 Direction took off, and he was Harry's sanity and base throughout it all. He invested so much time into Harry and vice versa, so it hurt a lot more when it all fell apart.

He had tried to move on, but his brain wasn't so easy to let up, bringing up how every time Harry kissed him, how every time he'd say I love you with tucking his hair behind his ears. Bringing up every time Harry looked at him dearly like he had hung the stars and planets; how they were in love out of their minds. 

It stung to think how the media and management had power over them and how Harry so willingly broke it up. They weren't supposed to be gay. It was bad for their images; they had to be _womanizers_.

' _After 4 years_...' That happened 5 years ago and he was still trying to get over it all. Harry willingly... But he had no other choice as well. The memory still hurt no matter how James tried to rationlise it.

Harry had come to his place at 12 am, in the pouring rain, and told him it was over. Just like that. It wasn't out of the blue, James had overheard management taking the singer aside and discussing his 'relationship' with him. Their fans were starting to become a bit _sus_ of how close they acted on camera and in real life, and, being 2014, gay as your sexuality was terrible for a career. It was threatening, even. 

But he hoped with all his heart that their 'love' would be enough to keep Harry headstrong and not break it off. That stupidly kiddish hope made their breakup all the more hurting and damaging.

To watch from the sidelines as Harry lost himself and broke from their splitting up fucked him up. His brain screamed at him but he couldn't do shit, his hands were tied from his own management. He saw, in every concert and interview and every fucking outing how disconnected Harry was and how _lost_ he seemed. Goddamnit, they were just kids.

Worst of all, he couldn't say anything, only through approved messages from management and even those were limited to _10_ fucking words. He was completely cut off from Harry.

It was bittersweet, storming past Harry and into his car as he told him it was over with tears streaming down his face. He drove away with no direction, and left the man he loved behind. He did it in anger and said things he shouldn't of, and he never got to apologise. 

It was something that still kept him up at night into the late hours.

And with this song, James knew it wouldn't take long for his fans to piece together his oddly specific lines, to Harry. His fans were also close fans to Harry, so that didn't make anything better. Media was going to have a field day with his song, no doubt about that. But as he sang, he didn't fear the fall. 

Not anymore. He wasn't scared anymore, well, sort of, but you get the point. He wasn't scared when it meant he might be able to apologise for running and finally move on.

\---

James groaned as loud ringing invaded his hearing. He turned to his side, glaring at his ringing phone. ' _Who the fuck would be calling me at 5 am?_ ' He rolled his eyes once he read the caller, Ethan Moer, his manager of Light Music.

"What." He tried his best not to sound agitated and like he just woke up. He had a late-night, he wasn't able to sleep that much for the past week as his song was out there, released, being heard. (possibly being heard by a certain someone. that made ice appear in his veins even though he was trying so adamantly to reassure himself he didn't care)

As if. He hadn't even had the guts to check social media yet.

" _James! Have you seen it? On Youtube, Apple Music, Spotify? Anything?_ " Ethan asked excitedly, the call cracking his voice a bit. ' _Should get a new phone soon_.' James thought offhandedly while he rubbed at his eyes, "No? Come on man, you know that shit scares me. What's happening?" 

Ethan laughed happily and James had to bring the phone away slightly from his ear in annoyance. It was way too early to be that happy. " _Your new song, it's hitting all the milestones! James, this is going to become your most listened to song ever! It's already gotten 140 million listens to on Spotify!_ " 

' _My love song about a guy who's probably forgotten about me is about to get on my top hits list? Shittt_.'

"You sure? I've had other songs reach 400 million. I don't see how this time it'll be any different." He sat up, pushing the covers down to his bare legs, squinting in the darkness. Sure, having a song reach those numbers that quickly was a thrill, a thrill any celebrity loved including him, but this also wasn't just _any_ song.

" _Yes! James, I bet it'll even reach a billion listens._ " Ethan was a man who hoped for the stars. "God I hope the fuck not." He sighed, closing his tired eyes, "That means a certain someone is going to hear it most definitely." The man over the line scoffed.

" _You wrote it and recorded it, you knew what the consequences were going to be. I approved it cause you've gotta do this, I can't be the only one to deal with your gay crises in the studio_." James made a noise of indignation but didn't protest any further, knowing his manager's statement to be true. 

" _Anyways, buckle up man. I'm sending over your cut of it soon. I'll get a gig soon, maybe?_ " James grumbled an agreement and a goodbye before the call clicked, disconnected. He sighed and tossed the crap phone beside him, running a hand down his face.

' _Why did I release that song?_ ' Where had all his confidence gone? Wasn't he fearless after all this time? ' _Stupid_...' Wasn't he unafraid of the consequences?

He had this dream, this fantasy, that Harry would hear him and reach out to him. But now he'd put his career on the line and- _Shit_ , possibly Harry's as well; that stupid goddamn Brit hadn't even come out yet.

"Oh fuck..." James had the decency to grip the bedsheets in guilt as he realised the stakes of his song, he hadn't even taken into account of how it'd lash out to Harry.

Now all he could do was wait and hope that he could talk his way out of it, and if Harry did notice, hopefully he wouldn't get angry. It didn't matter when looking at the logistics of it if his career did crash and burn because he came out as gay. He had more money than he knew what to do with, honestly. 

And so did Harry, but still... It'd suck nonetheless if anything bad did come out onto Harry; considering his fans were smart enough to make the connections in his song to Harry. 

James shook his head and laid back down, confidence resuming in his chest. It was a song. Just a song. Just a tune and lyrics, everything would be fine.

\---

Two weeks in and the song did, by Ethan's words, reach a billion listens on Spotify, two billion on Youtube and 900 million on Apple. 

Now, as James liked to say, they'd entered the 'calculative' stage. This is when, where a song has been out long enough, people start to come up with theories. They start to theorize on who the mystery person is or what the underlying messages are in the songs, and whatever had happened.

Speaking of who the man was, the feedback was just coming in and it was relatively positive for James being gay. Some of his fans stated that it was pretty obvious, and others went insane and made millions of edits with him and other guys he had met on camera. 

James yawned with a shake of his head, shutting the book he was reading. 

He hadn't been on social media for the entirety of his song's release, only management used his accounts to promote his single. There was some niceness in his song becoming so popular, though it still hung heavily in his mind about Harry.

He feared his response. Would it be nonchalant, dismissive of it all? Angry that he did this? Would he even react at all? James supposed it wouldn't be _too_ bad if people put two and two together, cause if he and Harry never confirmed anything they'd be fine and they could put this behind him.

But did he really want to put this behind him? God, they were in love. He wanted it all back; his heart wanted it all back so much.

\---

A month passed, and the song continued to climb. It made its way onto the number 1 spot on billboards and on radios, and consequently, people were getting closer to connecting the dots.

And James _still_ hadn't made any appearance on social media because of this. The fear slightly faded as the singer came to accept his fate, but seeing how close the people were and how some people were even joking that it was Harry, froze him to the core. 

Of course they would joke about it being him and Harry without any evidence in the first place, his old fans were 99.9% convinced that they used to be in a relationship.

Besides his song's release, James was doing _relatively_ fine. An okay, normal, routine every day he was content with; not much going on apart from the song to make his day 'crazy'.

A sigh escaped his lips as he reopened the book, it was Peter Rabbit, moving his position on the couch onto his stomach. It was just a song, and he and Harry were history. He was really alright with the thought that the Brit had moved on.

Well, sometimes.

\---

Few weeks later, people were still speaking over his song, and some were truly convinced that the song was about Harry. And really, who could blame them when there were so many references and evidence in the his lyrics?

So now this started the @s, the retweeting, the replies, the Forbs and Buzzfeed articles, etc. Still, James kept quiet. And so did Harry. His ghosting over social media showed no activity with the Brit's accounts in a long time.

His song came to a halt at 2 billion listens, similar numbers on other music streaming platforms. It did become his most popular song, passing a song of his at a billion listens, 'In My Stars' made in 2017.

' _Maybe this wasn't a bad idea?_ ' He pondered, stretching out his legs in the bath. He lowered his head into the warm water, just up to his ears and laid there; closing his eyes and focusing on his breathing. 

He sorely needed this, to relax. Sleep wasn't something that was gifted easily to the male, unfortunately. It was even worse with the song out there. (even worse without Harry by his side)

' _Even if Harry_ does _respond, it's not going to account to anything. We'll laugh it off, and I'll say it was a joke_.' That was a solid plan. Being under the spotlight for so long taught them both on how to be a good liar and actor. ' _No wonder Harry became an actor and director part-time_.'

James pursed his lips as a memory lifted into his mind. It was when they were younger, sitting on the deck of Harry's Mother's house, talking. Harry had turned to him and said something along the lines that he wanted to become an actor. He wasn't surprised with how it came so out of the blue, and didn't doubt his skills for a second. He remembered smiling with a laugh and clasping his boyfriend's back with reassuring words. 

The conversation and memory meant more to him when Harry later said in an interveiw, when he finished 'Dunkirk', that he'd only told one person that he wanted to become an actor. 

The reminiscing was so apparent in the interview. It was so clear and James got a spark of hope when his friends showed him that clip; that maybe he hadn't forgotten about him yet.

He couldn't help in growing that hope when Harry released 'Fine Line'.

Sunflower Vol. 6 was about him, so obviously it hurt to listen to. Harry used to call him his sunflower when they were dating. Golden, Adore You, Falling... All about him. James knew it. Harry used to call him golden and that he adored him, and the rare messages Harry got to him after their breakup always mentioned how he was falling without him.

He still had the notes. 

James choked out a gasp and lifted himself up as he realised he slipped under the water. His eyes deceived him and it was like he was reading one of his notes again, the white crinkled piece of paper; ' _I'm falling, James, where are you? I can't do this._ '

Though 1 Direction's splitting up wasn't so bad once Harry got back on his feet and pursued his own career. James was delighted to see that the singer had a lot more freedom. Was delighted even more how nearly every single demo song Harry had shown him late at night became the songs to his first independent album.

It still hurt, nonetheless. James was lucky to be paired with management that was very lenient and not homophobic early in the start. It stung as well to know that his further success only happened when he was without Harry. 

It was his third album that became popular, it was the album where he poured basically all of his pain and confusion into his lyrics and songs. It was only possible with the breakup of him and Harry.

His first album... ' _Mm_.' James grimaced. There were a _lot_ of references to Harry in his first album. More so than in the song he just released.

James rubbed his eyes tiredly and shifted in the water, now annoyed instead of relaxed. His fans tried, and have kept on trying, to find out who he was singing about in his first album.

And now them realising his single was about Harry, how many of his songs will they realise are relating to Harry?

' _It's fine_...' Sure it was. It was only a matter of time. And remember, he reminded himself, he wasn't afraid of the fall anymore.

\---

James stilled in the preparation of his dinner, phone dinging as he received a notification. He went over to it, dusting his hands on his jeans from any flour, half expecting it to be an update from Ethan. The man was talking about doing tours, more merchandise, going on talk shows, etc.

He was disappointed though as opening his phone he saw it was just a Twitter notification. Using face-id to preview the notification, it was probably an advertise- James nearly choked on his own spit, seeing what it was.

He tapped on the notification shakily, reading the tweet.

_HarryStyles_

'@ **JamesOli** Really liked your song, 'Meet Me As Your Lover'. I bet this mystery man misses you too, as an amazing a person you are, anyone would. Congrats on making number 1 on trending!'  
_**Twitter for iPhone. 244k comments. 1.3mil likes. 600k retweets.**_

' _From Harry Styles._..' James felt butterflies in his gut. Harry had to know that the song was about him, just the way he phrased his tweet. ' _Does this mean he remembers me? Does he miss me?_ ' He bit his lip, wondering if he should reply. ' _I miss him_.'

_JamesOli_

'@ **HarryStyles** Old chap, your kind words make me blush. I hope he hasn't forgotten about me too, who would? My nickname for him isn't very forgettable. I always liked it, him, not very much, if I'm remembering correctly.'

"Okay.." ' _Old chap?_ ' This was a risky thing to reply. Arrogant as always, his brain snarkily supplied. Whatever, he pressed tweet. James let out a breath he was previously holding, placing his phone back down on the counter. 

Snitch was what he used to call Harry, that was his nickname. Harry was always running off somewhere, always on an adventure when they were together. James smiled longingly as he remembered racing after Harry, laughing.

' _My snitch_...' It was also a mock insult because Harry, being named with the most English name there was, he had come up with the nickname as they watched Harry Potter together on their early dates. He fit the description perfectly, he was elusive, hard to catch, but once caught, he was the most beautiful thing in the world.

But Harry also did feel magical at times. He was different. And he let him slip right through his grasp.

James shut off the stove and packed up, not really feeling hungry anymore, and walked up the stairs to his room in his empty house. He suddenly had an urge to get something he hadn't touched for years, and for good reason.

There, still in the bottom drawer of his side table, buried beneath papers and other things, was a little rectangular black box. He opened it up and sat down on his bed, forlornly picking the necklace inside up.

How long had it been since he had even seen this? Over a year, at least. James shakily turned it around in his hand, tears budding at his eyes.

A silver necklace, and an infinity charm hung from it beautifully. Harry gave it to him on his 18th birthday. He said that they'd be together forever. ' _But it's been 5 years_...' James shook his head with a smile, bitterness seeping away. It wasn't in him to be bitter anymore.

He had to accept his fate; he felt silly as the song had risen his hopes yet again and even though he didn't fear the fall, it of course still pained him.

His hands shook as he unclipped it and placed it around his neck, the silver cool and yet so very familiar against his skin.

James stood up and looked at himself in the mirror, hands tracing the infinity charm. For a second, he could nearly imagine being 18 again and feeling Harry's nimble hands placing the necklace around his neck, fingers tracing at his collarbones. 

Could nearly feel his comforting yet reassuring presence from behind him, could nearly feel having him laugh quietly in his ear. Could nearly ignore the burning pain striking at his heart like a white hot knife.

' _Oh well_...' He wouldn't take it off now, he didn't think he had the galls to do so; it was one of the few reminders he had of Harry. He wondered if Harry still had the same matching but gold necklace he got for him on his birthday that same year.

In a burst of yet another wave of confidence that could be seen as foolhardy, James snapped a selfie of just his neck and shoulder; showing off the necklace. 

He went onto Instagram, and with latching onto his confidence further, posted it on his account after 2 months of inactivity.

_JamesOli_

'[ _Image attached_ ] @ **HarryStyles** Remember how this was the thing so many years ago? Do you have one? I remember it being the craze in 2014.'

Fucking _hell_ , this was even riskier. What the fuck was he doing? But he posted it anyways with an excited grin on his face. The necklace gave him confidence, and he quite liked it on himself. 

No wonder Harry always insisted he wore it.

\---

James woke up the next morning to multiple Twitter and Instagram notifications. Ethan texted him along the lines of furthering their discussion of doing a tour, he called shortly after his whole interaction with Harry.

But he was more excited for seeing the majority of notifications being from Harry.

_HarryStyles_

'[ _Image attached_ ] @ **JamesOli** Yeah, I've got one too. The gold reminds me of the Snitch in Harry Potter, it's my favourite movie.'  
_**500k replies.**_

' _So he does remember_.' James thought with happiness, smiling tiredly while basking in the morning light lighting up his room. 

Now, this is what he liked to wake up to. 

The photo did indeed show him the infinity gold necklace, it still looked just as pretty all those years ago. Still looked so new and untouched on Harry's chest, and James let himself reminisce over the other for only a second.

Then he tapped onto Twitter, seeing Harry's Twitter reply on his reply, creating a thread.

_HarryStyles_

'@ **JamesOli** Don't worry, he hasn't. And besides, any nickname I think you'd make up he would like. I'm sure of it. I would like it.'  
_**Twitter for iPhone. 322k comments. 1mil likes. 1mil retweets.**_

James's smile became wider. ' _Harry_...' Now the miss in his heart literally doubled, and he looked over to his side; his heart clenched seeing the empty space in his large bed. Harry should he taking up that space. ' _What do I say? I want to tell him so badly how much I've missed him_..' But he had to be careful.

People were seeing their tweets and management had called, stating to be careful. This was all public, not at all behind the comfort of closed doors like it used to be all those years ago when Harry would run off stage in a concert and kiss the living daylights out of him from adrenaline.

' _Fuck it. I miss him_.'

_JamesOli_

'@ **HarryStyles** I think it's his and I's 5-year anniversary-' ' _This is getting too much._..' He paused in typing while he thought, but resumed. 'I might send him a present? I don't even know if he misses me, I still do.' 

That was a lot of info to give out publicly, even on Twitter. People were seeing these, his mind brought up again. He just wished he could privately meet up with Harry.

A ding brought the singer out from his revering. Harry had responded, and he rose an eyebrow, ' _That was quick_.' Though he wasn't complaining.

_HarryStyles_

'@ **JamesOli** 5 years? I don't think a present will cut it. Meet up with him, I'm sure he'll want to. Anyone would miss you, this might be you two's redemption.'  
_**Twitter for iPhone. 10k comments. 34k likes. 21k retweets.**_

Redemption. He gasped. ' _No way_...' James toyed with the silver necklace at his neck, nervously thinking about a reply. ' _This could actually be it.._.' He bit his lip through a smile.

_JamesOli_

'@ **HarryStyles** You're right. I think we'll meet up on Saturday at his favourite spot. He always liked sunsets, told me I looked more golden in the rays.' _**Twitter for iPhone. 7k comments. 29k likes. 30k retweets.**_

This had to be enough hints for Harry to know. Their favourite spot were near the centre of London, through the near forest, where there was a cliff overlooking the sea. He said Saturday as Harry was currently in America, and if he was honestly serious about meeting him, he had all the time to fly back to England.

And the time of when they would meet up was fairly easy to figure out, London's sunsets happened around 7:10 pm.

James grinned and covered his face with a happy blush. He got up from the bed once he felt in control of his fluctuating anxiety and joy and excitedly texting his closest friend, Mark, about everything.

Then he texted Ethan, explaining how they'd have to postpone his singing whatever with Genius to Sunday. He quickly responded, saying it was more than okay, and James got the feeling that his boss had seen the thread with Harry.

And all of his fans had seen it too, they were continuing their thread with hundreds of questions. A lot of people were still talking about his song, and the theory of Harry being the mystery man seemed like an easy fire to respark with his and Harry's suspicious interactions.

James grabbed his phone as it dinged again, thankful for it being waterproof as he was in the shower, seeing yet another Twitter reply. Though this time it wasn't from Harry.

_LouisTomlinson_

'@ **JamesOli** Wish you all the best of luck, old mate. Times have changed, it'll be okay. He'll show up.'  
_**Twitter for Android. 75k comments. 201k likes. 340k retweets.**_

' _Louis?_ ' James chuckled. Yeah, to the other members and close friends of Harry, this wasn't a hard case to solve. At all.

_JamesOli_

'@ **LouisTomlinson** Alright ✨queer✨'

It was all in good humour, Louis was the closest he got with besides Harry; hanging out with Harry nearly all the time meant you also hung out with the members ot 1D. Well, back then of course.

James was about to place his phone back out and shampoo his hair when another tweet from Harry grabbed his attention.

_HarryStyles_

'@ **JamesOli** A truly lucky man to be meeting you. I hope you still love him because he still does.'  
_**Twitter for iPhone. 344k comments. 1.2mil likes. 1mil retweets.**_

He nearly dropped his phone. Of course, he still loved him, and now confirmation that Harry still did? A blush spread across his face as he placed his phone from out of the large shower, wary of its durability, singing one of his demo songs happily. ' _You're getting a bit cocky there, Harry._ ' He laughed. 

He felt over the moon. He was so gosh darn excited.

\---

Saturday couldn't of come fast enough. On Friday, James's excitement doubled when Harry posted on his Instagram of his flight to England; who explained that America 'bored' him and he wanted to come back to his mother country.

But he knew better; Harry understood and was serious about meeting up. He was so excited, closely related to a very teeth-rattling nervous, that he didn't even care anymore about the song he released anymore. 

But also, there was building up legitimate fear.

James wrung his hands with anxiety as he sat in the back of the Uber, eyes glancing at the time, 6:50 pm. What was he going to say? Was Harry even going to be there? What if it was all a setup? What if Harry was there but hated him? No, he reassured himself, he hinted that he still loves- _likes_ him. 

' _No turning back now_.' The celebrity thought resolutely as the Uber came to a stop. "That'd be £14, mate." The driver turned around when he parked the car. James smiled the best disarming smile he could muster, "This stays between us, yeah?" He handed the man a hundred dollar bill. The driver accepted with a chuckle and turned back, to which James let himself out.

"Still looks the same after all this time." 5 years hadn't done too much to Eviry Forest, the same pine trees towered and hid the entrance, but he remembered where it was. He'd been here over 100 times with Harry.

Looking around to make sure no one was around, the celebrity walked off from the gravel road and into the forest once the uber drove out of sight; moving bushes and branches out of his way. The smell was nostalgic, nearly too much for him. Flashes of holding hands with Harry, laughing at his giddy smile as they escaped the pressures of their singing life.

' _How did it all fall apart so quickly?_ ' He knew the answer, though. Management being a bitch and being homophobic.

He picked up his pace, reading 6:55 pm on his watch. The only sound in the forest, apart from the native bird's infrequent chirping, was the sound of his shoes crushing dead leaves and branches underneath him with each step.

The route to the cliff was instantly remembered, and he ran a hand down a pine tree that had the markings carved H+J with a smile, yet it faded with nervousness at seeing the part of the trees to reveal the cliff.

Someone was already there, back faced towards him. There were leaning against the safety rails, seperating them from the long fall onto the continuing forest below. His heart jumped into his throat and he felt suddenly frozen. ' _This is it. Why don't I feel more excited?_ '

He took a shuddering breath in and forced himself forward again, nerves sky high and fingers tingling. He stopped by the edge of the forest, starting to tremble with emotions. 

He felt scared. What would he say? 

"H..Harry?" He called out with a shaky voice. The figure stood up, in his 6'1 glory, and James took a step forward. "Hey there, sunflower." The man turned with such a familiar demeanour and faced James with a gentle smile that seemed nearly illegal; eyes though conveying sadness and pain.

"Harry..." He said again breathlessly, nearly unbelieving. The other celebrity grinned, and James couldn't stand being away from him any longer.

He ran up to him, instantly enveloping him in a tight hug, crying. " _Harry_!" "I've missed you so much.." Harry whispered, hugging back just as tightly with trembling arms. James couldn't believe it. 

He still felt the same, he was still so warm, he was still smelling so sweet. It was all the same. He still had those brilliant meadow eyes, still had his long wavy brunette hair, still had that smile. Still felt so gentle like a giant, still felt so safe.

He couldn't believe he was in front of him after all this time.

"S-Seems like you've got a growth spurt." James looked up and cracked a bright smile with tears streaming down his face; before, he was taller than Harry. "Seems like I did, luv." Harry replied, lifting a hand so shaky that it cut right through the calm facade the celebrity portrayed, and caressed his cheek. 

"And it seems like you've only gotten more prettier." His voice held so much longing and his hand ghosted along the back of his neck, unsure. James couldn't stop crying and felt fat tears roll down his cheeks at how craving Harry sounded. "I'm here, God, I'm never leaving." He placed his hand over Harry's.

He couldn't stop smiling and so couldn't Harry as he held the gaze. It seemed like they were stuck at a lull, Harry's thumb continued to rub into his cheek and he lost himself into his still so vibrant emerald eyes. 

"S-Snitch.." He finally choked out, trying to get closer to him. Harry let out a harsh and giddy breath, like he was disbelieving to hearing the nickname again. Like he had convinced himself he'd never hear it again. The tears glazing over his eyes only shone the green more.

The passion and true encompassing love blazed up into a bonfire in both of them as their lips connected slowly and deeply; a proper kiss after so long. James was pulled in more by Harry after a second and the kiss hastened. They couldn't get enough of each other.

"Sunflower..." He breathed against James's lips, hands cupping his face with such a large smile it looked like his face would ache. But it wouldn't, it could never, he only wished he could smile even bigger. 

"I love-" "I love you-" The two laughed at their same attempts and James nodded to Harry, prompting the man on with an equally giddy smile. 

Harry's eyes shone with mirth, "I love you so much, I haven't ever been able to stop thinking about you since that night," He said, hands gripping the smaller's sides with such care like he was a priceless vase. 

"I'm so sorry for everything.." He dipped his head and met James's lips again in a fierce kiss, unable to go so long after he first had a taste in years. James clung onto him, eagerly reciprocating the kiss and trying to convey it was alright; they both had things they were sorry about. 

"God, I love you, I love you..." James repeated like a mantra once they pulled apart and rested his forehead against Harry's. Their seemingly never ending happy tears ran together like streams.

"I'm sorry, so sorry for listening and being pressured into breaking up with you." Harry continued with a whisper, "I never wanted to, but they threatened to do horrible things to you... I _never_ wanted to leave you." 

James smiled that same old smile Harry fell in love with and his heart had never felt any lighter. That was his 'I forgive you' smile. 

And James's heart was elated at those emerald eyes sparkling with the type of love that was only directed to him. 

"I can't explain how much I've missed you... How much I wanted you back, how much I wanted to apologise for storming away..." James whispered, voice breaking from his emotions.

"God, I-I'm so sorry, I've loved you all this time... They stopped me every time I tried to talk to you.." Harry cried, trying to smile but was caught up in a tidal wave of remembering. 

"I'm s-sorry too... We could've done so many things sooner.." James quickly solaced, looking up and softly smiling. He nodded with sombre acceptance, feeling tonnes lifting from his shoulders and he squeezed the shorter; eliciting the most beautiful giggle out from him.

Harry couldn't help but smile, eyes set on the still so handsome and fantastic male before him. "You're so golden, you're so lovely..." He uttered, and James laughed out happily. 

"Aw, snitch, you didn't have to say that." He giggled, elated to be basked in the sun with Harry. 

A flicker of a frown crossed his face, "Uhm... Maybe this is stupid.." James started, a worrying thought appearing in his head. He was about to pull back but was held in place by Harry's strong arms, and loved him more for that; Harry still seemed to remember all of his tells.

"C-Can we be together again? I know I said I wasn't afraid of me coming out, but you, your career, do you want me in that?" He asked shakily, a cold quiver running down his body at the idea of rejection.

"Of course I want you! Nothing would make me happier for you to be by my side. I'm not losing you, not when you're right here infront of me, not again." Harry promised.

James let out a sigh and pressed an affectionate kiss onto his nose, a silly thing they used to do while they were younger. "Then we've got forever then, to catch up on lost time." Harry beamed, capturing his lips again into a slow but overwhelmingly loving kiss.

"I love you." He whispered, laying his head on Harry's strong chest, inhaling his familiar scent. "I love you more-" "Shut up." Harry laughed loudly and James grinned; their spark was still there after all this time.

"Let's go home." Harry said after a beat of silence, "Your place if you'd like..." James rose an eyebrow. "Bit fast to get in my pants-" 

"Now you shut up, you know what I meant, dummy." He grinned that stupid grin that Harry loved and laughed out. The celebrity was caught breathless by the sound and momentarily pondered how he survived without James.

"But yes, of course, you can. Oh my god..." James blushed darkly as he remembered something. "What? You've gotta tell me now." Harry laughed and pried from the singer, fingers poking at his sides playfully.

"I just remembered... I still have some of your clothes from ages ago." The blush spread to his ears and he buried his face into the crook of Harry's neck, "You can wear those." He added, shaking from suppressed laughter.

Harry laughed out just as loudly, running a hand through his hair. "Goodness, luv, my fashion was terrible back then." He remarked, absently starting to play with James's locks of hair. 

James stilled, a tidal wave of memories washing down on him as the action triggered memories of Harry sitting with him, braiding his hair nearly every day.

"I love you so much, I've missed you.." He spoke into Harry's skin, slightly muffled. Harry seemed to receive the same onslaught of memories and chuckled, focusing now on making a proper braid. "I've missed you too..."

"I love you. We'll get through the media." Harry reassured once he was done the braid, pulling back and holding Jame's hands. "We better," James responded with determination, joy still bursting in his chest like fireworks. 

"We will, my sunflower." Now everything was fine. Life was good, was perfect again. Harry finally said what he wanted to say, after so long.

**Author's Note:**

> Criticism and comments are highly appreciated!
> 
> Stay safe and quarantined!


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